"Jesus said, 'Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you.'" Mark 5:19 NKJV
After a final hug it was time. Time to meet the little man.
On our way by the nurses station I asked the nurse about the wrist bands. Let her know that N was very adamant that we get them. Soon. So that we could be with our son.
She reassured me that they were already done. To go back to our assigned room (we got our very own room!) and wait for some one to bring them in.
So we did. We went back. Sat down. And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
We were directly across the hall from the nursery. The glass-walled nursery. Where there were three babies bundled and waiting. One of them was our baby. Our son.
Ten minutes passed.
Ten more.
I told Bob, "I know that the nurses are busy but .... we have come this far and waited so long. He needs me!"
I finally went out in the hall and stood by the glass, gazing at the babies inside. I made eyes at every nurse who passed - hoping, praying, that just one would ask what I needed.
Finally the original nurse who had been at the nurses station noticed me and said, "Haven't they been by yet?"
Um, NO!
"Just a minute, I'll go get someone."
And she did. The nurse with the bands came out and put them around our wrists. She led us into the nursery with a comment thrown out, "We don't have all the right paperwork yet, so until we do you are only allowed to see him in the nursery area".
Who cares?! I just wanted to see him and hold him.
She wheeled the bassinet over to us and said, "Meet your son!"
I can't even begin to describe the feelings that washed over me.
Love. Heart ache. Disbelief. Sadness. Happiness. Joy. Pain. Sorrow. Amazement.
Here was this little man. This tiny human whom I found out existed only one week before. And he was now ours. When you are pregnant and you go to the hospital for delivery it is a miracle. One second there are X amount of people in the room. In the next second there are X + 1. But when you are pregnant you are aware that this someone is with you. Has been with you. Will be there with you. Adoption is different. Some people are matched with an expectant mom months before delivery. Sometimes as early as eight weeks into the pregnancy. But others are within only days. Some post-birth. The emotional roller coaster continues through it all.
I lifted him out of the bassinet and cuddled him in my arms. At this point he was 44 hours old and weighed 4 lbs. 7 oz. I began speaking to him and he opened his eyes and looked right. at. me. With a focused look. Bob murmured something by my side and this baby, who was supposedly five weeks early, turned his head and looked right. at. Bob. No hesitation. No wandering, unfocused eyes. But intensity. It took my breath away.
He was ours.
The nurse mentioned that it was feeding time and would I like to give him his bottle. Yes please! She added that he was a very slow eater, was barely getting one ounce of formula down at a time and was spitting a lot of that up. I tucked him into my arm, took the bottle and gave it to him. He quickly drank both ounces and did not spit up any formula at all! He just needed his mommy to give him his bottle.
It was about 1:00 p.m. CST at this point and neither Bob nor I had had anything to eat since 9:30 p.m. PST the night before. We discussed taking turns going down to the cafeteria, going together, not eating... Bob did want to hold him a bit so I handed him over to his daddy. Bob worked his magic and had that little man asleep in no time. They just cuddled for awhile.
At this point I was not sure if I was supposed to take any pictures. But I wanted to, needed to, send a pic to his siblings back at home so that they could see their new brother. So I snuck one with my cell phone when no one was looking.
The nurse came back in and we discussed grabbing some food. It was almost two o'clock by this time. She said that we should as he would sleep for awhile and we needed to keep our energy up. That we should catch a nap too.
We headed downstairs to the cafeteria where we experienced our first "meat and three" meal. Fried chicken, green beans, potato wedges and a roll. We are being exposed to a different culture here in Tennessee!
It was nice to sit and eat. Talk a bit about how we were feeling and just relax, decompress. After we finished we headed back up to the nursery floor. Bob rested on the couch in the room and I decided to try to update FB in the family waiting room on my Kindle. The Wifi wouldn't work. I didn't have the code. There wasn't supposed to be a code. I have no idea. But it wouldn't work.
That was the straw that broke the camels back. I was exhausted. Away from home. Not allowed to bring my baby into my room. Now not even able to connect with my friends and family half a country away. I lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Until I finally fell into an uncomfortable sleep for a bit. After letting Bob have an hour of uninterrupted nap time I went back to the room. The next feeding was not for another 30 minutes so I tried to connect with our lap top. It worked. My anxiety was starting to amp up again. Bob got on the computer and went to Biblegateway.com. The daily verse that popped up on their home screen was:
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
This was also the same verse that I read and prayed over on July 9th. The day before we found out about this situation.
Bob tapped me on the shoulder and had me read it. Peace washed over me. Everything was going to be okay.
At about 3:30 I headed back out so that I could give him his next bottle. The nurses let us in and I settled in the rocking chair with him. Again, he took the whole bottle with no problems. No spit up. Without delay.
About half way through Kimberly showed up with the car seat. My dad called. I was in the nursery so Bob went out to talk to her - meet her for the very first time - and to get the car seat.
Soon after our agency worker called.
She informed me that N had not signed any of the paperwork before she was discharged.
At noon.
Some how an oversight had occurred. She had not signed, we were not supposed to have the bracelets, not supposed to be in the nursery. Legally, the hospital was required to call the DHHS and report this baby abandoned.
...
This baby.
Our son.
Abandoned.
...
She went on to say that she had been working for the last 90 minutes with the hospital trying to figure out what had happened and what would happen next. The 90 minutes that I had spent eating and crying and worrying about not having my baby in the room with me over night. The 90 minutes I had wasted on feeling sorry for ME and not holding my baby close.
She had convinced them that we had come all this way, that the adoption plan was in place, he was not abandoned and that the mistake was THEIRS. Not ours. They agreed not to call CPS but did tell our agency worker that they would take our bands away and we would not be allowed to even see him - SEE HIM - until everything was straightened out.
On Monday.
Maybe.
I hung up my phone and was in shock. I quickly started talking to him, telling him how much we loved him, how we were going to have to leave but that we would be back. We would be back and then we would never leave him again. That he would be ours forever and ever. That his sisters and brother were waiting for him at home and he would be there with us. I spoke quickly and quietly and then could hear the nurse in the other room on the phone. I knew that they were talking about us.
She came to the door.
Tears were in her eyes.
"I'm sorry."
NO!
"I'm so sorry that this mistake was made."
NO!
"But I need to remove your bands and you will have to leave the hospital."
NO!
I was in shock as I looked back and forth between her and my baby.
This baby who had already lost one mother in his first 48 hours of life and was about to lose another.
Dry-eyed I gently handed him back to her and turned away.
I gave my baby back.
We quietly went back into "our" room to retrieve our things.
My heart was ripped from my chest and I started sobbing into Bob's. We waited for a few minutes so that I could compose myself and we left the hospital. With an empty car seat.
Not knowing if we were even going to be able to adopt this baby.
This is the stuff that adoption horror stories are made of. The "I have a friend, who had a sister, who knew somebody that worked with someone that had a cousin whose sister was going to adopt and ...." story that make people sigh, shake their heads and say, "Well, it is adoption you know".
Thankfully I have a bigger God. A God who moves mountains and performs miracle. A God who sent me the following verses through my daily devotionals on the days leading up to this very day:
July 9th: "Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
July 10th: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
July 11th: "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17
July 12th: "And He said, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
July 14th: "They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD." Psalm 112:7
July 15th: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
July 17th: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
These were the verses given to me leading up to us meeting our son. I had to trust God because I had nothing left.
On our way by the nurses station I asked the nurse about the wrist bands. Let her know that N was very adamant that we get them. Soon. So that we could be with our son.
She reassured me that they were already done. To go back to our assigned room (we got our very own room!) and wait for some one to bring them in.
So we did. We went back. Sat down. And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
We were directly across the hall from the nursery. The glass-walled nursery. Where there were three babies bundled and waiting. One of them was our baby. Our son.
Ten minutes passed.
Ten more.
I told Bob, "I know that the nurses are busy but .... we have come this far and waited so long. He needs me!"
I finally went out in the hall and stood by the glass, gazing at the babies inside. I made eyes at every nurse who passed - hoping, praying, that just one would ask what I needed.
Finally the original nurse who had been at the nurses station noticed me and said, "Haven't they been by yet?"
Um, NO!
"Just a minute, I'll go get someone."
And she did. The nurse with the bands came out and put them around our wrists. She led us into the nursery with a comment thrown out, "We don't have all the right paperwork yet, so until we do you are only allowed to see him in the nursery area".
Who cares?! I just wanted to see him and hold him.
She wheeled the bassinet over to us and said, "Meet your son!"
I can't even begin to describe the feelings that washed over me.
Love. Heart ache. Disbelief. Sadness. Happiness. Joy. Pain. Sorrow. Amazement.
Here was this little man. This tiny human whom I found out existed only one week before. And he was now ours. When you are pregnant and you go to the hospital for delivery it is a miracle. One second there are X amount of people in the room. In the next second there are X + 1. But when you are pregnant you are aware that this someone is with you. Has been with you. Will be there with you. Adoption is different. Some people are matched with an expectant mom months before delivery. Sometimes as early as eight weeks into the pregnancy. But others are within only days. Some post-birth. The emotional roller coaster continues through it all.
I lifted him out of the bassinet and cuddled him in my arms. At this point he was 44 hours old and weighed 4 lbs. 7 oz. I began speaking to him and he opened his eyes and looked right. at. me. With a focused look. Bob murmured something by my side and this baby, who was supposedly five weeks early, turned his head and looked right. at. Bob. No hesitation. No wandering, unfocused eyes. But intensity. It took my breath away.
He was ours.
The nurse mentioned that it was feeding time and would I like to give him his bottle. Yes please! She added that he was a very slow eater, was barely getting one ounce of formula down at a time and was spitting a lot of that up. I tucked him into my arm, took the bottle and gave it to him. He quickly drank both ounces and did not spit up any formula at all! He just needed his mommy to give him his bottle.
It was about 1:00 p.m. CST at this point and neither Bob nor I had had anything to eat since 9:30 p.m. PST the night before. We discussed taking turns going down to the cafeteria, going together, not eating... Bob did want to hold him a bit so I handed him over to his daddy. Bob worked his magic and had that little man asleep in no time. They just cuddled for awhile.
At this point I was not sure if I was supposed to take any pictures. But I wanted to, needed to, send a pic to his siblings back at home so that they could see their new brother. So I snuck one with my cell phone when no one was looking.
The nurse came back in and we discussed grabbing some food. It was almost two o'clock by this time. She said that we should as he would sleep for awhile and we needed to keep our energy up. That we should catch a nap too.
We headed downstairs to the cafeteria where we experienced our first "meat and three" meal. Fried chicken, green beans, potato wedges and a roll. We are being exposed to a different culture here in Tennessee!
It was nice to sit and eat. Talk a bit about how we were feeling and just relax, decompress. After we finished we headed back up to the nursery floor. Bob rested on the couch in the room and I decided to try to update FB in the family waiting room on my Kindle. The Wifi wouldn't work. I didn't have the code. There wasn't supposed to be a code. I have no idea. But it wouldn't work.
That was the straw that broke the camels back. I was exhausted. Away from home. Not allowed to bring my baby into my room. Now not even able to connect with my friends and family half a country away. I lost it and sobbed and sobbed. Until I finally fell into an uncomfortable sleep for a bit. After letting Bob have an hour of uninterrupted nap time I went back to the room. The next feeding was not for another 30 minutes so I tried to connect with our lap top. It worked. My anxiety was starting to amp up again. Bob got on the computer and went to Biblegateway.com. The daily verse that popped up on their home screen was:
"Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
This was also the same verse that I read and prayed over on July 9th. The day before we found out about this situation.
Bob tapped me on the shoulder and had me read it. Peace washed over me. Everything was going to be okay.
At about 3:30 I headed back out so that I could give him his next bottle. The nurses let us in and I settled in the rocking chair with him. Again, he took the whole bottle with no problems. No spit up. Without delay.
About half way through Kimberly showed up with the car seat. My dad called. I was in the nursery so Bob went out to talk to her - meet her for the very first time - and to get the car seat.
Soon after our agency worker called.
She informed me that N had not signed any of the paperwork before she was discharged.
At noon.
Some how an oversight had occurred. She had not signed, we were not supposed to have the bracelets, not supposed to be in the nursery. Legally, the hospital was required to call the DHHS and report this baby abandoned.
...
This baby.
Our son.
Abandoned.
...
She went on to say that she had been working for the last 90 minutes with the hospital trying to figure out what had happened and what would happen next. The 90 minutes that I had spent eating and crying and worrying about not having my baby in the room with me over night. The 90 minutes I had wasted on feeling sorry for ME and not holding my baby close.
She had convinced them that we had come all this way, that the adoption plan was in place, he was not abandoned and that the mistake was THEIRS. Not ours. They agreed not to call CPS but did tell our agency worker that they would take our bands away and we would not be allowed to even see him - SEE HIM - until everything was straightened out.
On Monday.
Maybe.
I hung up my phone and was in shock. I quickly started talking to him, telling him how much we loved him, how we were going to have to leave but that we would be back. We would be back and then we would never leave him again. That he would be ours forever and ever. That his sisters and brother were waiting for him at home and he would be there with us. I spoke quickly and quietly and then could hear the nurse in the other room on the phone. I knew that they were talking about us.
She came to the door.
Tears were in her eyes.
"I'm sorry."
NO!
"I'm so sorry that this mistake was made."
NO!
"But I need to remove your bands and you will have to leave the hospital."
NO!
I was in shock as I looked back and forth between her and my baby.
This baby who had already lost one mother in his first 48 hours of life and was about to lose another.
Dry-eyed I gently handed him back to her and turned away.
I gave my baby back.
We quietly went back into "our" room to retrieve our things.
My heart was ripped from my chest and I started sobbing into Bob's. We waited for a few minutes so that I could compose myself and we left the hospital. With an empty car seat.
Not knowing if we were even going to be able to adopt this baby.
This is the stuff that adoption horror stories are made of. The "I have a friend, who had a sister, who knew somebody that worked with someone that had a cousin whose sister was going to adopt and ...." story that make people sigh, shake their heads and say, "Well, it is adoption you know".
Thankfully I have a bigger God. A God who moves mountains and performs miracle. A God who sent me the following verses through my daily devotionals on the days leading up to this very day:
July 9th: "Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
July 10th: "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
July 11th: "Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You." Jeremiah 32:17
July 12th: "And He said, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." Exodus 33:14
July 14th: "They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD." Psalm 112:7
July 15th: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
July 17th: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
These were the verses given to me leading up to us meeting our son. I had to trust God because I had nothing left.
God bless you all. Sending love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you Natasha. It was a very emotional day. And journey!
ReplyDelete